How about a little TMI

So, The BFWSRN and I were at his brother’s house this weekend with Mom, Dad and several other members of the family, lounging comfortably after a fabulous dinner of spaghetti, salad (good enough to compete with Olive Garden) and crunchy garlic bread, when the Sis-in-Law brought out the “1950’s Good Wife Guide” for our entertainment.  I listened intently, giggled quietly, and laughed quite raucously at some of the “Advice” given in this Guide.  I also, somewhat reluctantly, realized that this list described ME and my behavior toward The BFWSRN.  EeeeGads!!!  Was I born in the wrong era???

Perhaps.  OR…it could be that I was raised by my old-fashioned Oma, who instilled in me most of my best attributes, morals, virtues, and otherwise positive qualities.  Regardless of the reasons for my strange identification with this Guide, The BFWSRN justified all of them with the most amazing gesture.  After Sis-in-Law finished the list, The BFWSRN said that he would like to add something.  He said it loud enough for those in the kitchen to hear him clearly….and they continued talking about whichever topic they’d chosen to veer off into….and he didn’t get to say what he wanted.

Being the attentive and adoring girlfriend that I am, I asked him what he had wanted to say.  He hemmed and hawed and tried to blow it off, but then said:  “I was just going to add that I have found the closest thing to that list, in You.”  I was absolutely FLOORED!!  I think that is the sweetest and most complimentary thing any man has ever said to me.  Sighhhhh!!!!

After thinking about it for a couple of days, I decided that I would take that list and go through it, point by point, and see how much of me he actually saw in it….kind of a self-analysis, right?  So, here is the list, and my unabridged rebuttal to each point:

·         Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

I do make dinner for him each day that he comes home from work and I’m at home; whether it is something elaborate like pork chops and mashed taters, or something simple like chili with chips and cheese.  As far as thinking about him during the day….well, I think I discussed that in a previous post…it just never stops!!  He’s constantly on my brain…see, here I go again, off on a  BFWSRN tangent…FOCUS JILL!!  Ok...Ok…I know he’s not starving when he gets home every day, but he definitely appreciates the meals I prepare and is sweet, courteous, and considerate enough to thank me and help me tidy up afterward.

·         Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

I do freshen up before he comes home.  I used to smoke, so I always brushed my teeth and popped some gum in my mouth prior to his arrival….but I don’t have to worry about that anymore, cuz I quit smoking.  YAY ME!!  I also run a comb through my hair, put on a pretty dress sometimes (and sometimes my favorite comfy lounging pants), or something slinky…depending on the mood during the phone conversation on the drive home…a touch of mascara, even though he says I’m beautiful without any makeup.  I want him to be happy when he sees me….I want him to want to come home to me.  Don’t we all want that from our “significant other”?  Ummm….I will say that I WON’T be putting any ribbons in my hair though…just sayin’.

·         Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

I’m not exactly sure what they meant by gay, but I think I’ll stick to giddy or silly….it makes him laugh.  As far as a boring day...well, I doubt highly that his day is boring.  Overwhelming is probably more accurate.

·         Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

While my dear Oma instilled all those good things in me, you know, like morals and stuff, she was also directly responsible for my intense dislike of dusting.  EVERY Sunday, I had to dust ALL of the little knick knacks she had on those fabulous antique 3-tiered round tables, you know, the ones with the claw feet.  My Oma had A LOT of knick knacks and they were all placed just so on the tiers….and I had to put them all back, just so, after dusting each…and…every…one…of…them.  A suggestion was made to me by one of my co-workers about a more creative way of dusting the furniture, but we decided it was a bit too risqué for this particular column.  Heeheehee

·         During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

I am truly thankful that The BFWSRN does NOT have a fireplace at his house, since I do want him to be able to keep his house, unsinged, because if I was in charge of making the fires, he might not have a house left to come home to.  So, he’ll just have to suffer through the chill, until I provide a blanket and my snuggly self to help him reach that Haven of rest and order and warm his chilled bones.

·         Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

With the new well pump he just put in, which happens to be quite noisy every time you turn on a faucet, I don’t think I have to worry about making too much noise on my own.  Besides, the washer and dryer won’t be running when he gets home, because I’ve already tended to the wash and folded all the laundry and put each piece, lovingly, in its proper place.  I let him run the vacuum cleaner.  That way he is allowed to feel like he contributes to keeping up the house.  He is always very appreciative of the things I do, like the laundry and the dishes and the cooking, and….

·         Be happy to see him.

I always am.  I have to actually control myself when he walks in the door….I give him a few minutes (while I sit patiently on my hands) to put down his backpack and keys and coffee mug and thermos and take his shoes off (yes, he does that all by himself), before I accost him with my silly grin, a sweet kiss, and a grope or two.  I always tell him I missed him and he does that patient smile thingie and says he missed me too.  (He did….I just know he did)

·         Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Didn’t we just cover this?  I must reference a co-workers attempt to do this to her husband….which almost ended up with her in a straight jacket.  Knowing the husband of this co-worker, I would have given anything to see his reaction.  I hear it was priceless. heeheehee

·         Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

I do express an interest in how his day went and listen intently to him as he relates the antics of his co-workers to me.  Since The BFWSRN and I talk equally A LOT, our conversations roll along fairly easily, with each of us interrupting the other as needed, to get our point across.  Our timing is like a finely tuned clock…he ticks while I talk and vice versa.  Sorry, that just sounded funny in my brain.

·         Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Yeah, ok, here’s where you’re going to need the barf bag.  I don’t have any complaints.  I’m always happy….and even if I was grumpy about something, seeing him makes all my troubles disappear.  Sighhhhhh.

·         Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

The BFWSRN and I had a conversation at the very beginning of our relationship covering this faux pas, and we both are respectful enough to each other, that if there is to be any tardiness or failure to appear at all(ness), appropriate phone calls will be made as appropriate.  The staying out all night thing is probably not going to happen, since we both work days and can’t keep our eyes open past 8:45 p.m. on any given night of the week, including weekends.  Ok, so we’re old(ish).

·         Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

I don’t have to do anything to make him comfortable….he’ll usually end up stretched out on the bed for a short nap after he gets home from work.  I do get him his cool drink though…Mango Peach juice with a shot of Mountain Dew, over ice.  Yeah, I’m devoted…. (keeping that bag handy, are ya?)

·         Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

I let him take off his own shoes (he is a big boy, after all), but I did have the privilege of giving him a pedicure the other day.  I usually don’t speak a lot right after he gets home.  I basically just ogle him, talking with my eyes, and get that ever patient smile and “Silly Girl” from him. 

·         Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Ummmm……I’m not sure that this is appropriate anymore in this day and age….that’s like so 1950’s, don’t ya think?

·         A good wife always knows her place.

Oh Ladies, don’t get all fluffy about this comment.  I think it was meant in jest by its author, so many moons ago.  I can think of soooooo many rebuttals to this particular piece of “Advice”, and they’re all so very inappropriate….so I’m sure you’ve already thought of them too.  Let your imaginations wander and get your giggle on.

I do hope you’ve enjoyed my self-analysis and found bits and pieces of yourselves in either MY version (in fancy Lucinda Calligraphy italics) or the OLD version (in boring Verdana).  I think MY version is much more Today, don’t you?

Historically yours,

My Father’s Daughter