A Weirdly Appropriate Conversation - with many contributions by my co-worker Kim

After a lovely, yet noisy, morning at the Range, in the rain and chill of a delightful 48 degrees, a fellow co-worker let me know whe was back in service.  She lamented, however, that since she'd had to pee for the last 4ish hours or so, she wished she'd peed before going 10-8.

"Business Check it is!!" she exclaimed, realizing that relief was in sight, without fear of interruption.  You see, us girls have to do a whole lot more when it comes to peeing, cuz we haven't perfected the art of peeing while standing....YET.

Once she finished her dual purpose stop, she joyfully informed me that she felt SOOOO much better.  She also gave me a lesson  in physiology, letting me know that she had increased the size of her bladder three times while "holding it" for those 4ish hours, and by "releasing it" (aka peeing), she'd lost about 1-2 pounds of water weight.  I responded with "Thank God for Depends!"

Our conversation then naturally veered onto weight loss and wishing it was just that easy.  She made the efficient observation that water weight needs to exit our bodies from one end or the other, and that with Depends, you save time and can expel it from both at the same time.  I think we'd all be happy with that, don't you?  We both agreed that it would be okay to gain a little weight here and there, as long as it came off just as easily.

My co-worker, who I might name Kim at this point, because I really don't want to keep calling her just a co-worker (too many letters and opportunities for misspelling - and we all know how anal retentive I am about spelling - and co-worker is just so impersonal), then suggested the brilliant idea of making a pamphlet on the "How To" of peeing, if only we had the necessary programs on the car computers (MDTs - Mobile Data Terminals).

Kim was really gung ho about this and was thinking purely about the benefits the Department would reap, because she knew the importance of our weight standards.  She said:  "There are multiple types of "Diets" ... I prefer this one."  I told her I would get a hold of our computer tech and have her get right on that, to which Kim responded with overflowing gratefulness "That would help me out A LOT!!!!"  She promised recognition to all who helped make the "How To" pamphlet possible.

"How to Pee on Duty-A Weight Loss Program-With Immediate Results"  .... How do you come up with a cover for that???   Well, that's where the BFWSRN comes in...he's got such a brilliant mind I tell you!  He thought it would be great to have a picture of the back of a policewoman (pony tail or bun), standing up to a urinal, and have her peek over her shoulder with one of those talk bubbles saying:  "I got this!"  HAHAHAHAHA   Love It!!

So then Kim told me that she always got her best ideas in the bathroom, which, in this case, seemed only appropriate, considering we were discussing activities that belong in there.  I told her I felt a new post for my blog coming on and asked her if she wanted to help me write it.  She gallantly responded with "That's a lot of pressure.  Your blog has a standard and I may not reach that level."  I'm hoping she meant High rather than Low here.

I told her that the last post was about bugs and windshields and would naturally lead into peeing and weight loss.  I sensed a smidge of hesitation on her part here and quickly explained that when you're driving along, you often hear an "EWWWWWW" after you hear that splat on the windshield and then you hear "I gotta pee", ....which comes right before "Are we there yet?"  She agreed with me and retorted with the Mom-like response of "Didn't you think to do that BEFORE we left???"  I, in turn, agreed with her and had to add the often repeated "Just a few more minutes, Dear", which is usually followed by "But I gotta pee NOW!!!!"  and the quick stop alongside the highway, with cars and trucks zipping by at warp speed, causing the wind to catch the droplets and blowing them all over your shoes ... and you were trying to be so careful ........  (there's those dots again)

All of this imagery is making me have to pee, but I'm busy writing this post ... Thank God for Depends!!

Preferably Dry,

My Father's Daughter

Bugs on My Windshield

Earlier this week, I was driving up to Iowa for a visit.  It was a 4 hour and 15 minute drive, as usual.  I listened to a bit of music, made a few phone calls, and let my mind wander a bit.  Suddenly, I was brought back to reality by the continuous "thwacks" and "thuds" that my windshield was being bombarded with.  It was getting increasingly difficult to see.  No, it wasn't rain or hail, nor was it cats and dogs.  It was that ever-present population of bugs that hovers, flies, and generally annoys us all.

I realized that my windshield resembled a crime scene with multiple victims of various sizes, shapes, and colors and I was the only witness to this chaotic scene.  Thank goodness I didn't have to write THAT report, because I had no way of identifying my victims or making any sort of notification to next of kin. 

I almost felt like I was at an autopsy.  I knew their exact time and mode of death and was somewhat privy to what they ate last.  I know they hit my windshield at 73 mph (my speed).  It was a MESS!!The questions I will never know the answers to are things like where they were going or coming from; shopping?  If so, where were their bags?  How did they carry their bags?  What do bugs shop for?  Or, were they going to visit relatives in the next block, mile, or county?  I wonder if the relatives are still waiting. 

Well, we've all heard the saying about "being that fly on the wall", right?  I think everybody has wanted to be that fly at one time or another, but you never hear "Boy, I'd sure like to be the bug on that windshield". 

Of course, there's also the joke about what was the last thing that went through their minds?  Did their lives flash before their eyes?  Did they see it coming?  Did they scream?  I don't know the answers to the last three questions, but I do know the one to the first question - their ass.

I was intrigued by the multitude of colors on my windshield as well.  There were whites, yellows, oranges, blacks, reds, and a few shades of purple as well.  It almost looked like my son had had a field day on my windshield with finger paints. 

I'm sure you're wondering why in the world I was thinking such morose thoughts while driving.  Well, talking to myself only works for so long.  The thought also crossed my mind that I don't have to deal with the slow-down in traffic for the rubberneckers.  You know, the ones that see a police car on the side of the road with its lights on, due to a car accident, and feel they have to slow down to see what's happening.  It's almost like they would prefer for the officer to drag the body over to them, so they can see the blood and gore, and then mosey on their merry little way.  Drives me NUTS!!

Well, I know that the only thing that will get all of these bugs off my windshield is a good rain, so please, pray for rain....CUZ I CAN'T SEE!!

With Condolences,

My Father's Daughter